Chaos is a word I identify with so much right now; living in a state of chaos is one of the utmost exhausting things in the world. It can come to us in many ways; a crazy schedule with kids and family, not to mention work and trying to still be a normal person. Work that is so overwhelming and you can never seem to meet a single goal or expectation; what it feels like when we start to try again and make things better. Illness, sickness, loss of a job or the prospect of one after a long while -- there are literally hundreds of ways the feeling of chaos can come to us.
My personal story is not that spectacular, but it is real. For me, the chaos has happened because everything has changed. It was brought to a peak with the loss of my mom, but when I am honest with myself I felt the tides turning for many moons before that terrible dawn. Not being able to get pregnant, no movement with the never-ending adoption, feeling like everyone was miles ahead of me on the road of life with the top down and their scarves flowing in the wind while I was stuck on the side of the same road with a flat tire. The anxiety that brews in the heart of someone feeling left behind is no joke.
Then, mom passed away and the bottom fell out. Eventually hope swells again like the tide every night, and a devastation comes that is truly impossible to describe. (I understand that is terribly vague, and for that I am sorry. Eventually I will feel ready to write about that, but not today.) The question on your mind when facing something that is the deep root of your chaos is, "Where ARE You??!" Where is my God, my one, my Provider ... how could He leave me in this moment? How can I be alone in this cold dark place to face this alone?
I must believe He is right here with me, and you. He is whispering to us to remember that there are brighter days ahead, and He will be with us then just as He is with us right now. My heart may be broken, and yours may be, too ... but there is hope for us as long as we are here taking in gulps, sighs, or sobs of breath.
The sub-floors of my life are now exposed to the elements, and I realize that though part of me wants to curl up under a blanket and avoid the feelings, a greater part of my spirit realizes it is time to rebuild. It is time to take what I have learned and been given in this life, and get to work. I may have a long way to go, but I am not alone in the journey. I have people around me that are driving by with the top down and their fabulous sunglasses cheering me on; and I realize I cannot compare my trip to theirs because we were never on the same road in the first place.
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