Pieces of Us

Does anyone else LOVE a new project?
Perhaps there are others out there, like me, that love a new journal... totally embraced school supply shopping; I still get a slight high and rush of excitement when I go into Staples and see all the possibilities.  The blank pages, the new ink, the projects calling out to being.  It is all so fresh and new.

After a loss of a person, relationship, dream, or anything that leaves us feeling empty and left behind it is hard to imagine ever diving into something new again. Nothing seems worth the risk, especially if we are still healing a broken heart.  My heart is not healed from this year, but I have no choice by to keep on living.  And living means taking risks.

Our souls are evolving things.  My soul and my spirit grow with me, and are always much more willing to give than I am.  If I were in charge, I would be a stingy sinister person that never cared or gave a thing away.  I know that sounds like the opposite of me, because it is.  I am not allowed to live my life like that hoarding my money, resources, and love.  I am forced every day to accept that giving is how I receive.

My soul is ready to take risks again, with the full understanding that I might lose the piece I give.  I might take that chance, give my heart to something, and it might all fall apart.  But if life has taught me nothing else over the past year, it has taught me that I am able to make it. I will survive broken.  I will survive hurt.  I will survive.

Regardless of where you are in your healing from the past and ache, give yourself some credit right now.  If nothing else, you are surviving and in that survival you are learning you can make it though most anything.  Be ready when your heart is ready to go again, it is a beautiful feeling.

Purpose.

Man oh man, this is a good one.
It has challenged me to want to read the book of Romans, anyone want to join me?

I do believe there is purpose in things we cannot understand, and I look forward to the day when it all makes sense.  Rest in the peace that comes with understanding we are able to trust the God has a bigger and better plan for us, and He understands every hurt and worry you have.

Better Said ...

Today's post was better said by Sarah Young in a wonderful devotional, Jesus Calling.

(Personal emphasis highlighted)

I am overwhelmed by this, anyone else??

But if you try sometimes ...

I am usually smitten with a good song lyric.  I find music is a transforming part of life; hearing a good song can take you to a place and a moment in time faster than almost anything else.  The Rolling Stones, for example, take me back to the 80's and 90's on a warm day when a good breeze would pick up the back of your hair or tickle your sun kisses face.  You had an icee in one hand and the future before you; everything was right and was going to be okay.

As we grow, we lose the ability to easily go back to those days.  Here in my part of the country fall is upon us, and there is a delicious crisp feel in the air that makes you want a jacket and a warm paper cup of something with spice.  In just the right moment with the sun shining and the blue sky above you, you can feel that freedom again that comes from possibility.

Want vs need, the eternal struggle.  Sometimes it is over material possessions, but all too often it is all about emotions.  I wonder who reads this blog, and what they get from me.  I am in what I think is a unique set of circumstances, but I imagine my story is not all that different than yours. (or I would imagine there would be no joy in reading this!)  We are all waiting for something... girls waiting for boys, women waiting for babies, children waiting for parents.  Waiting is not that distant from longing for, just depends on the twist life has put on your own story.  I long for my mom, I long for my baby ... perhaps in the same fashion that you long for your partner, or your lost loved one, or a moment in time with an icee in your hand that you cannot seem to get back to, either.

Want or need, waiting or longing; anguish is anguish.  We do not have to put things into a color scale that says "I am a red, my ___ is more challenging than your ___."  Be kind to people, you have no idea what they are experiencing.  Be kind to you, because most people have no idea what your internal life is really like.

I believe God lives among us, in these moments where things make no sense.  He is kissing our faces with sunshine, He is whispering cool air across the back of our necks, and He is doing all of this in spite of the clouds hovering around us and the thunder in the distance.  The question you must ask yourself, is do you trust that regardless of the thunder being behind or in front of you will the breeze will come again and things will be right in your world?

Because you certainly cannot always get what you want ... but in some moments if you truly try you will see all around you the things that you need.

Spirituality and Workouts ...

This morning, I got up, took my shower, and pulled out the scale.  I have been working out diligently and perfectly mostly eating very well, so that must show up on my little blue digital number.  It has to reflect all of the H2O Circuit classes, the elliptical workouts, the smaller portions, and the focus I have had.  It might even shock me how much it has changed, because I know I feel different.  I am stronger, I feel better, I think my tummy is shrinking... it is going to be great I can just see it!  I am already (in my mind) calling down the stairs to Hubby so he can come jump up and down with me.  Wait ... what? THE SAME? HOW?!  I have been working so hard!! This is insane.  No way.  Off the scale, back on. Still the same.  

I sulk into the other room, start drying my hair, and it occurs to me that perhaps I need to take a step back.  Instead of celebrating all that I have done, I let one thing change my whole mood.  I was building myself up on the accomplishments of my new living plan, and one thing came along to snatch the joy right out of my heart.

In our spiritual lives, it is the same story.  Personally, through the story of someone we love, or through our understanding of an injustice in the world we encounter pain and respond by similar actions to working out and eating right.  We commit to a devotional, we go to church when the doors are open, we might connect with a small group, do a Bible study, read a good spiritually reflective book ... and we do so diligently.  We listen to encouraging music, have coffee with good friends, and try to simply be kinder.  And then, there is always a point where we kind of look up, and say, "Hey, Big Guy, you see all this, right?  How about lightening this painful load a little ... I am working hard here, don't you see it?"

Just as we did not physically get to the place we are in overnight, we are not going to change it over night.  The same can be said for the spiritual and emotional aspects of our being; we did not become wide open hearts or sealed shut overnight... it takes time.

So I personally am committing to stick to the path on both accounts.  I am not going to change my body after a month of effort, and I am not going to be relieved of my suffering on that timeline either.  However, one day I am going to wake up and say I really DO look different!  One day I am going to say to myself wow, I see life in a much more beautiful light.  Until those days, I have to recognize that day by day and moment by moment I am dragging my body to the gym and my soul to the best doctor around and one day I will see the results.  But no good will come from constant measurement and compassion to where I think I should be on either journey.

What feels this way in your life?  What can you commit to take day by day and stop measuring?

Is it over yet?

Chaos is a word I identify with so much right now; living in a state of chaos is one of the utmost exhausting things in the world.  It can come to us in many ways; a crazy schedule with kids and family, not to mention work and trying to still be a normal person. Work that is so overwhelming and you can never seem to meet a single goal or expectation; what it feels like when we start to try again and make things better.  Illness, sickness, loss of a job or the prospect of one after a long while -- there are literally hundreds of ways the feeling of chaos can come to us.

My personal story is not that spectacular, but it is real.  For me, the chaos has happened because everything has changed.  It was brought to a peak with the loss of my mom, but when I am honest with myself I felt the tides turning for many moons before that terrible dawn.  Not being able to get pregnant, no movement with the never-ending adoption, feeling like everyone was miles ahead of me on the road of life with the top down and their scarves flowing in the wind while I was stuck on the side of the same road with a flat tire.  The anxiety that brews in the heart of someone feeling left behind is no joke.

Then, mom passed away and the bottom fell out.  Eventually hope swells again like the tide every night, and a devastation comes that is truly impossible to describe. (I understand that is terribly vague, and for that I am sorry.  Eventually I will feel ready to write about that, but not today.)  The question on your mind when facing something that is the deep root of your chaos is, "Where ARE You??!" Where is my God, my one, my Provider ... how could He leave me in this moment?  How can I be alone in this cold dark place to face this alone?

I must believe He is right here with me, and you.  He is whispering to us to remember that there are brighter days ahead, and He will be with us then just as He is with us right now.  My heart may be broken, and yours may be, too ... but there is hope for us as long as we are here taking in gulps, sighs, or sobs of breath.

The sub-floors of my life are now exposed to the elements, and I realize that though part of me wants to curl up under a blanket and avoid the feelings, a greater part of my spirit realizes it is time to rebuild.  It is time to take what I have learned and been given in this life, and get to work.  I may have a long way to go, but I am not alone in the journey.  I have people around me that are driving by with the top down and their fabulous sunglasses cheering me on; and I realize I cannot compare my trip to theirs because we were never on the same road in the first place.

Distracted? Not me! (ha!)

I have a serious love for someecards.  Yes, love.

Distraction: a common epidemic plaguing the world.  We live in a world of easy distractions... we do not even know we are being distracted!  
A fun way to better understand the meaning of a word is to look at its synonyms:  

bafflement, bamboozlement, befuddlement,bemusement, bewilderedness, bewilderment, confusedness,discombobulation, confusion, fog, head-scratching, muddle, mystification, perplexity,puzzlement, tangle, whirl

When we are faced with real life things, we are more susceptible to distraction.  It is easy to become "bamboozled" (I was so looking forward to using that one) in every day life, but boy-oh-boy when we are facing a challenge there is not only ease but comfort in focusing on Pintrest, Real Housewives of New Jersey, and discovering how many naps you can take in one weekend.  I mention these particularly because these are some of my distraction drugs of choice.  Yes, I just called distraction a drug, and I mean it.

Numbing yourself to reality by focusing on things that are not important to your growth as a person would most surely be called an addition to a substance if we were talking about booze, cigarettes, or pills.  We convince ourselves that checking out for things like Facebook and all the other personal distractions we have are for our relaxation, socializing  etc ... when in reality it can be, but more than likely we are using it as a way to shield ourselves from something.

I have found that when I focus my distractions on things that better me (this blog, going to the gym, cooking at home, talking to a friend, going to a Bible study...) I feel better. Isn't that our overall goal, regardless of where we are in life at the moment?  To feel better about our circumstances, our lives, our existence, our hope.  

What distractions are you using as numbing medicine for your life?  Instead of going cold turkey and proclaiming to the world in the all to familiar dramatic way, "I am done with Facebook, see you later." (which really sounds like this to your friends: "I am done with Facebook (all you losers who are so dependent upon it), see you later (when you become as cerebral as me and realize its a waste) (or in a week when I miss it)." Consider what minor changes can you make to tweak the way you distract yourself.  Acknowledging it is the biggest part, then you will figure out what is healthy for you and what is not; awareness to your innermost being will be the result.

Comment Question of the Day...

What are your distraction drugs of choice?  What little things can you change to help connect with your inner self?